Here's the Thing! 16/05/24

Rules for The Blues (with an example)

Here’s the Thing!

Let's get straight to the point!

Rules for The Blues

Now you have your Blues name, below are some rules for The Blues (brought to my attention by

Michael Maupin

and

James Hart

. Thank you both).

Please keep in mind that, like most Bluesmen, I firmly believe that rules are made to be broke, which I will demonstrate.

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1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman," is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch: You stuck in a ditch, ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, adulthood means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St.Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You
   cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is.

9. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz a' alligator be chomping on it is.

10. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

11. Good places for the Blues:

    1. highway

    2. jailhouse

    3. empty bed

    4. Bottom of a whiskey glass​

12. Bad places:

    1. Ashrams

    2. gallery openings

    3. Ivy League institutions

    4. golf  courses

13. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a' old black man, and you slept in it.

14. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
    Yes, if:

    1. you're older than dirt

    2. you're blind

    3. you shot a man in Memphis / Reno

    4. you can't be satisfied
       
       No, if:

    1. you have all your teeth

    2. you were once blind but now can see

    3. the man in Memphis / Reno lived

    4. you have a retirement plan or trust fund

15. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

16. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

17. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

    1. bad wine

    2. bad whiskey or bad bourbon

    3. muddy water

    4. black coffee

18. The following are NOT Blues beverages:

    1. mixed drinks

    2. kosher wine

    3. Snapple

    4. sparkling water

19. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

20. Some Blues names for women:

    1. Sadie

    2. Big Mama

    3. Bessie

    4. Fat River Dumpling

21. Some Blues names for men:

    1. Joe

    2. Willie

    3. Little Willie

    4. Big Willie

22. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

23. Make yer own Blues name (starter kit) — for example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc:

    1. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) 

    2. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)

    3. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

24. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it - with fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care.

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A Bluesman don’t live by no rules,
gonna break me a lot of dem rules…

“This ain’t The Blues”
(The ‘Rules Are Made To Be Broke’ Blues)

by Peg Leg Sugar McGee

Sung/spoke to Muddy Waters’ Hoochie Coochie Man type-riff.

Performance suggestion: wear expensive stuff.

Got WOKEd up this mornin’

In my Montreal mansion

Flew in late from Hawaii

So fell back asleep

I was dreamin’ all mornin’

In my comfortable bed

It’s a four-poster extension

With a remote for my TV

Screen as big as the wall

Surround-sound speakers

Got soooo many channels

Never can watch them all

And did I mention

I got me a pension

A big financial infusion

So complex it’s confusin’

So I bought me an ashram

Where I do meditation

And some yoga stretchin’

And some fine contemplatin’

I stream it all live

From my laptop or mobile

I get thousands of likes

From just talkin’ shite

And acting real dumb

So I got me that StarLink

Now I stream when I’m off-grid

It gets extreme when I’m off-grid

Need that suncream when I’m off-grid

Yeh when I’m off-grid

Drivin’ my CyberTruck

Drinking my smoothie

Fresh blueberry flavour

My baby’s beside me

She came along for the ride

No I ain’t got the Blues

No I ain’t got the Blues

No no no

I got me them Whites

Yeh

I got me them Whites

Yeh I got me a bad case

A real real baaad case

Of them whiter than white Whites

Patriacharchy malarchy

Just call me a Nazi

Straight White Male

White privilege Blues

Is this Cultural Appropriation?
Am I being ironic?
Or do I mean it?
(Before commenting, keep in mind — I don’t care 😎 lol)

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And here’s a cool backing-track for you to try it out to…

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Please note: I have another infotainment channel on Substack, called Unleashed & Unlimited, where I post podcasts, articles and content unrelated to music.🖋🎥🎙